Kaka's Uber Ride Home
A white Wagon-R pulls up next to a puddle. The driver is this lanky young kid. Probably in early 20s. I gesture for him to move the car slightly forward so that I can get in. He doesn’t understand and starts calling me. I show him my phone that I am the one who has booked the cab. He still doesn’t move the cab. There is a whole line of cars now behind him honking. He moves the car slightly but towards the right almost blocking the oncoming lane. Then straightens up again and stops. I find that one second window and get in the car. I tell him the OTP and he starts the trip. He then turns and
“काका, आप पेमेंट स्कैनर से करेंगे?”
(“Uncle, are you going to pay through the scanner?”)
“नहीं, पेमेंट तो ऑलरेडी हो चुका है कार्ड से”
(“No. The payment is already deducted from my card”)
He slows down.
“अरे काका वो कैंसल कर के मैं एक स्कैनर देता हूँ उसपे करो ना”
(“Uncle please cancel that online payment and pay through the scanner I will give you”)
“अब कैंसल नहीं कर सकता, पेमेंट ऑलरेडी कट चुका है। चलो तुम”
(“I can’t cancel it anymore. It has already been deducted. Start moving”
“मेरा पैसा निकल नहीं रहा है उबर से। इसके लिए बोल रहा हूँ स्कैनर से कर दो ना”
(“My money gets stuck in Uber. That’s why I am insisting that you pay me directly”)
“तो क्यों चला रहे हो उबर? अभी ट्रिप एक्सेप्ट कर लिया ना? चुपचाप चलो”
(“Why are you accepting trips on Uber then? You’ve accepted the trip right? Now shush! and keep moving”)
He starts to drive. He has a phone attached to a holder near his steering. That has the maps open. The phone starts ringing with the sound of a new trip and the announcement of destination and amount. One of the trips was Virar for Rs. 780. The phone continues to ring and chime screaming Mumbai localities and amounts.
He takes out another phone and calls someone.
“तूने मेरा उबर मेरे अकाउंट से कनेक्ट कर दिया क्या?”
(“Did you connect my Uber with my bank account?”)
“उबर नहीं किया है, ओला वाला कर दिया है…मतलब अकाउंट से नहीं, फोनपे से”
(“No not Uber. I have connected it with Ola. Actually not your bank account but your PhonePe account”)
“अरे मैंने एक बुकिंग ले लिया है वो ऑनलाइन होगा पेमेंट। तो अभी कैसे करूँगा?”
(“I have accepted a ride on Uber that is paying online. How am I going to manage this now?”)
“तेरा 1000 तो हो जाएगा ना इसके बाद?”
(“You are going to cross 1000 after this trip right?”)
“हां! हो जाएगा”
(“Yup. I will!”)
“तो ट्रिप पूरी कर। फिर उबर चलाने का ही नहीं। मैंने पहले भी बोला था। ओला चला या रैपिडो चला। उबर को हाथ ही नहीं लगाने का”
(“So complete the trip. Then don’t use Uber. I had told you to ride on Ola or Rapido but never touch Uber again”)
He disconnects the call. The other phone continues to ring with more trip announcements. He takes out a packet of pan masal and empties it in his mouth. He scrolls through the map, then switches to Instagram. And with his left hand on the steering, he starts to swipe reels with his right hand. And yeah, the cringiest of them all with music, effects, text and peak heartbreak lo-fi content.
“ऐसी ऑन कर दो “
(“Switch on the AC”)
He switches on the AC and his other phone rings loudly.
Raaaadheeeyyyyyyy…….Raaaaaaaaaaaaadheeeeeeeeeyyyyyyyyyyy
He answers it.
“लउ* तेरे को बोला ना मैं … मा*र*द अभी तो मैं गाड़ी चला रहा हूँ”
(“Fucker I had told you right?…Moth*f*cker I am driving right now”)
Phone disconnects. It rings again. He answers.
“बात मत सुनना तू लउ*! गां* तेरे को शाम को मिलता हूँ मैं”
(“You don’t ever listen to me you piece of shit! I will see you in the evening you asshole”)
Phone disconnects again. And it rings again.
Raaaadheeeyyyyyyy…….Raaaaaaaaaaaaadheeeeeeeeeyyyyyyyyyyy (with lofi beats)
“मादर*द हाईवे पे गाड़ी चला रहा हूँ”
(“Moth*f*cker I am driving on the highway!”)
He realises he needs to spit to talk. He disconnects the call and rolls down the window and spits on the highway. His car slows down and swerves, resulting in some beeps and honks. He doesn’t get affected by that. His phone rings again. He answers.
“भोस*के हाईवे पे गाड़ी चला रहा हूँ , बाद में बात करता हूँ”
(“Asshole! I am driving on the highway, will call you later”)
Did I tell you that the other phone continued to chime with trips and reels kept auto-swiping loudly in all of this? He continues to clean his throat and spit over and over again. The window stayed open for most of the trip. The AC was pretty much useless.
He decides to take left from Rani Sati Marg because google maps want him to. I ask him to keep going straight instead and take left from Oberoi. He revolts a little but continues to drive straight and the takes the left when I use my “Kaka” voice.
His phone rings again. This time it is a woman. She speaks in the most peculiar lying in the afternoon talking to your aashiq tone. Her “Hello” sounded exactly the same every time. You must have heard the voice note “Slaamwaleykum…Whatsapp ki dp mein smart dikh rahi…khuda hafiz”. Imagine that voice.
“हेलो?”
(“Hello?”)
“म्हूँ …”
(“Hmmmm”)
“हेलो?”
(“Hello?”)
“म्हूँ!!!”
(“Hmmmmmmmmmm”)
“हेलो?”
(“Hello?”)
He picks the phone closer to his face.
“आवाज नाई अवत ब का?”
(“Can you not hear me?”)
“नईखे आवत् ब”
(“No I can’t”)
“का भ?”
(“What happened?”)
Phone disconnects. It rings again. By now he has kept it in his lap again. He answers it but doesn’t pick it up.
“हेलो?”
(“Hello?”)
“म्हूँ …”
(“Hmmmm”)
“हेलो?”
(“Hello?”)
“म्हूँ!!!”
(“Hmmmmmmmmmm”)
“हेलो?”
(“Hello?”)
“टोहका आवाज कैसे नाई आवत् ब हो ?”
(“How are not able to hear me?”)
“अरे नईखे आवत् ब । नंबरवा भेज द”
(“I am not able to! Can you send me the number?”)
Phone disconnects again. It rings. He answers but doesn’t bring it close to his face.
“हेलो?”
(“Hello?”)
“म्हूँ!!!”
(“Hmmmm”)
“हेलो?”
(“Hello?”)
He brings it close to his face.
“हम तोहार कुल नाटक जानत अही । हमसे निक केउ नाई जानत तोहर नौटंकी । भेजत अही नंबरवा तोहका हिम्मत होय त तू फ़ोन कई के माँग ला पैसा ओहसे”
(“I know all your trantrums. No one knows your shenanigans better than me. I am going to send you the number but I dare you to call him and ask for money”)
It was like someone from Jaunpur belt who has grown up in Mumbai and was talking to someone from UP/Bihar border region like Mau/Gorakhpur/Azamgarh. It was a mix of Bhojpuri and Awadhi.
“हेलो?”
(“Hello?”)
“म्हूँ!!!”
(“Hmmmm”)
“हेलो?”
(“Hello?”)
“फ़ोन काटा त बताई”
(“Disconnect the call!”)
“हेलो?”
(“Hello?”)
“रख फ़ोन”
(“Cut it out!”)
He disconnects the call. The cab is in my lane now. He turns towards me and asks
“काका, सरळ जायचं आहे?”
(“Uncle, we have to go straight ahead?”)
“नाही, मला इथेच उतरायचं आहे. गाडी थांबव”
(“No. I have to get down right here. Stop the car!”)
“काका, जो ऑनलाइन पेमेंट केलं ना… त्याचा स्क्रीनशॉट द्या ना”
(“Uncle, can you show me the screenshot of the online payment you made?”)
“तू ट्रिप संपव, तुझ्या अकाउंटमध्ये दिसेल”
(“Complete the trip, it will show up in your account”)
I get out of the cab thinking the actual reply I should have given
“जऊन थबरा मारब ना खींच के, बुद्धि सोझाई जाए तोहार!”
(“I would factory reset you with one tight smack across that face of yours”)