Sound of my thoughts…

Paid the auto driver and bid adieu to my fellow travelers from the studio. Standing at botanical garden metro station a sudden urge to walk home overcame me. Still giving it a second thought I began crossing the road. However, the road was full of indecisive drivers tonight (actually, its usual with me). Striding left and right trying to save myself from a speeding half blind indigo, I was finally on the other side. A row of rickshaw pullers was waiting for any potential passengers. As I crossed them, they began getting down gesturing me to sit. I, however, thought I would catch the next one and then the next one and soon I had left the rickshaw pullers way back. I gave them a look back and all of them climbed back their rickshaws somewhere cursing for their disappointment.

So, I was determined to walk back home. There was a surreal peace around me. Didn’t feel like taking out my headphones and just killing it. BHAR HOSPITAL was glowing brightly. It is actually Bhardwaj Hospital but all of their letters never seem to work. Once it even used to glow as BHARDWA HOSPITAL. Reminded me of the times when at night we would come here to pick something very basic that a chemist would usually have like injection for tetanus or even water at times but they would coldly deny the very existence of any such thing. How convenient!

Walked a little more. Head heavily clouded with thoughts. Unable to think of one thing I begin randomly taking down each thought one by one and therefore the next paragraph would be seriously random. Reader’s discretion solicited.

Cell beeped. Think of colors. I don’t think I would be able to. However the person requesting it is one of the few I can trust so I honestly explained my state. Cell beeped. Support granted. Read the message again. Think of a color. Replied ‘White’. However, no reply now. Much appreciated. Red car stopped by me. A very homely looking couple asked me “NH24?”. “Take right from the next circle and left from the main road. Head straight and you would eventually merge NH24” i replied. They moved ahead slowly thanking me with a smile which of course I reciprocated. Whom should I ask the way? Shit! I know the way. I know more than one way. Not a good idea. Leaves you with a question mark. Questions? too many. Half of them uninvited and remaining invented by me. Answers? Oh yes! all have answers. Trouble is the acceptance. Acceptance accomplished. Time. I know the answers, I know the time they will be with me. But time isn’t moving. Hell it is not. Every day has 24 hours out of which 18 I am awake and conscious. Of each second passing by. Want to experience unconsciousness.

Unpleasantness? Problems? Issues? None. Its all smooth. Is that the point? No I guess not. It the silence before the plunge. The moments one must be feeling before bungee jumping. Each second moving like an hour. The road is wet. Street lights are on. A young man is walking ahead of me, earphones in his ears and grooving to something upbeat. He too is thinking a thousand things. His walk and his constant effort to keep his head in the music, on the road and nowhere else is the evidence. People I am angry with and people who are angry with me. They bother me sometimes. I am indifferent mostly. Again not a good sign. Complexities? Layers of truth? No control. Not by choice. Wish Ctrl+Z was in real life. No regrets. Still. That’ how it is. Trust is so costly. Belief is so difficult. I even have blind beliefs. Trying my honest best to channelize my thoughts, streamline my energy and concentrate. Chopping out unnecessary parts of my life. They are just cobwebs as of now. Memories unresolved. Images undeveloped. Incidents. Accidents. Life beyond.

Cell beeped. Where are you? Atta?. Another pillar of my life. Denial is again possible. The light from the street lamps is making beautiful patterns. Wonder if I have to light this kind of a scene, will I be able to achieve this? Rustle of my jacket, my footsteps, breath…sounds of my own thoughts. Some are so loud, they are finding their way out from my lips. The sound perspective. Why do i ignite hopes which I know have very less probability? But I am just being fair. A little extra. Everyone craves for it. Few lucky ones get it. God has a plan for sure. As somebody says. Wish I could have a copy of it. Faith. Faith. Some more of it. Helps. But why do people ask me? Will I pay them when I will earn? Curiosity. Human Behavior.

I have already crossed tea point. Last I was here with Vasundhara and Sankalp before they were going to IIT Kharagpur. That was a nice day. Probably today I just wanted to delay my reaching home. The air I am breathing in, all alone, is giving me a kick. The dampness and coolness. The questions? The futile statements. Love for sure isn’t the only emotion you can survive on. People love you. You love people. But you may still not want to talk to them. You may still not want to share things with them. Maybe because you love them. You are scared of being judged. You know them. You know what they will think and say. This prejudice kills the point of a conversation. You escape. I can’t stand  absence of an objective. And around, I can’t see people with a plan. May be everyone is not supposed to have one. Why am I a control freak? Why can’t I just let things go as they are. I always want to interfere. Want them to bypass me even if I might not change anything. I always want a choice. I may not practice it. But I want it. Makes me feel free.

I think the aural perspective helps. I don’t need headphones. There’s pep in my step. Well, as of now, that’s it. A man just passed by me. Drunk. Sloshed. Stinking. He’ll just puke. Glad I won’t be around. I am nearly reaching home. Thought process is on. Can’t find the right expression to write here everything. Moreover, don’t want to write everything. It questions the spontaneity of the moment. I am now in complete conversation with myself. Hope no one talks to me when I enter my home.

I rang the bell. Entered my room…..wore the mask.

“Hey, wasssup”…

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